Standing Outside The Lighthouse ...

After writing that last entry, something surprising happened.

I heard The Lady in my head. This doesn't happen as much as it used to, for reasons I'm sure I don't need to explain. But I heard her, loud and clear. "Put on our music. Don't ask questions. Just put it on. See what it does to you."

I happened to be neatening files, and the video folder was opened in front of me, so I put on Planxty's 2004 reunion concert. The four elder statesmen of traditional Irish music. Donal Lunny. Andy Irvine. Liam O'Flynn. Christy Moore.

I am not going to intellectualize what happened. But I cried, more than once, especially whenever the uillieann pipes were featured. I felt that old longing, for the cliffs of Donegal. For home. The Lady was very present, and quietly nodding.

I was up 'til after 2am, and slept until nearly 10, which is a more nocturnal window than I can remember in a long while. There was a reason for this, of course.

I spent a good part of the time (if you can call it that) outside my Lighthouse. The lights were off, and She was waiting for me at the edge of the cliff. We stood quietly for a long while (if you can all it that) before She spoke :

"You make a terrible secular humanist, you know. Why are you turning your back on Me? On magick? On your power? You're getting dangerously close to a point of no return."

Needless to say, Her words really shook me. She continued :

"Whatever else you do, whatever paths you walk, you are mine, first and foremost. You are Eire born, and that informs your art, your studies, down to your very cells. Forget that, and you forget everything."

No, really. Go ahead. Tell me more about how far I've fallen.

"You've noticed, I'm sure, that we're not going inside your Lighthouse. That's because it is unavailable to you. It's regenerated, and can only be entered by the person you will become. This will take time."

We stood for awhile longer. As I was feeling myself begin to wake, She said :

"I have not lost faith in you, my daughter, though I daresay you have lost some faith in Me. The truth of it is, I cannot stop you if you stray. We are co-creators. But I would prefer it, very much, if you stayed. We still have so much to do."

As her last words were still ringing in my ears, I started to open my eyes, back in my bedroom, as far away from Donegal as I could possibly be. But She got her message across. And I had a lot of work to do.

I told Bug all of this over breakfast, then with the exception of a family meal around 5pm, I spent the entire rest of the day up here, cleaning The Womb in Her name, trying to understand how I've fallen so far, and what it will take to climb back up.

It's regenerated, and can only be entered by the person you will become.

Well, who's that supposed to be, then? Guess I'll have to find out.