My Day As Caretaker ...

As I mentioned at the end of that last entry, I spent a good chunk of today tending to BA, who was in a bad way. Though she clearly loved her dog, his death is tied up in some deeper, murkier waters, and I wasn't sure how best to hold the space for her.

So I just drove. We took her car, and I brought her on some of my usual roads, until finally we settled at the Palisades. She desperately wanted to play music outside, so despite the heat and considerable humidity, my poor drum and I acquiesced.

In any other season, it would have been heavenly. But at the beginning of July, with her choking back tears as she sang, it was kind of hellish. We attracted a bit of attention, as you might expect, but were mostly left alone to play our four songs.

We were both pretty hungry after that, both of us having not eaten since breakfast, so we zigged around through rush hour traffic and ended up at the PQ, which was its usual tasty, cozy self. I got her talking a bit about other things, and when we were done she dropped me off and that was that.

She seemed to appreciate me spending the day with her, and said I held the space "beautifully", but I couldn't shake the feeling of how out of my depth I was. I'm a fixer, a doer, a problem solver. Sitting quietly while someone wails and says crazed things is not a strength of mine.

But it's done, and I'm drained, and now it's time for bed.