I haven't been talking about it here, superstitiously hoping it would go away I suppose, but my rotator cuff / calcium deposit problem has been acting up the last few days. Annoying and painful, to be sure, but what do you do when you have a Fire Ceremony to lead and you can barely move your lead drumming arm???
Putting aside that question until the absolute last minute, E and I went out to the Palisades for the afternoon, to get outside and move the molecules. We walked a trail I'd not been on before, along the top near the Rockefeller lookout. Honestly, it was not the safest trail, and we found that exhilarating! Not in an emo way, but seriously ... there were so many ways you could screw up and die up there that it made you really focus and be present. It was another threshold, and it made us feel alive.
After stopping at Hiram's for a hot dog, we had to acquire candles for the Fire (nothing like waiting 'til the last minute) and ended up doing a bit of clothes shopping as well. All this combined to get us home about half an hour later than we'd planned, which put all sorts of pressure on Bug to get the shamanic equipment taken care of and get us back on track. Dear god ... what would I do without her???
We ended up getting to the 'Seed only 15 minutes past our projected time (yes, she's that good!) and proceeded to have the quietest, most relaxed, and subsequently most powerful set up of the space we've had in a very long time. I suppose the whole process was helped by the knowledge that my sparring partner was 3000 miles away and would not be attending the ceremony ...
By the time my other two colleagues arrived, a little after 630, the space was all set, and I was sitting super peacefully in the circle listening to The Chieftains. (It was St. Patrick's Day, after all.) Their arrival was gentle, and they seemed to sense that the space was clean, and honestly, my relations with them seemed easier, more heart centered, with him not there ...
After months and months of increasing attendance, which though lovely on one level has had me concerned, we only had eight people tonight, plus the four of us. I italicized that not because I am disappointed or complaining. Quite the opposite, I am highlighting it because it made me very happy.
I'm not really sure what has contributed to our crazed attendance spike, but as sexy as it is to say my program is the biggest consistent draw at the studio, the big numbers do take away from any chance at intimacy in the circle. Besides that, I've noticed that we don't get very many repeat attendees, which either means I suck at this, or our ceremonies are some kind of curiosity.
Whatever the case, and wherever the rubberneckers went, tonight's ceremony felt light, nimble & possible. In a word, it was perfect. For a circle with people screaming and barking at candles, it was one of the most tender I've ever been a part of. I have no use for nostalgia, as you well know, but it felt like the old ceremonies used to feel, at the old studio, when Jason was still around.
My team followed my lead. My stories were succinct and my metaphors were strong. My drumming was supple and adventurous. My shoulder somehow held up. Talking to a few people afterwards, I was struck once again how nice it was not to have someone with a different agenda in the space. I will have to figure out my words, and deploy them with grace & courage, but it's very clear that he cannot be allowed back onto the team.
The Muse actually texted as we were packing up (as slowly & gently as we loaded in) and though I hadn't been expecting her since I knew she was still sick, it was lovely to share the story of how different this ceremony was with her. After literally running out after last month's circle, I know that tonight's would have pleased her.
Now I'm home, and have eaten, and my shoulder is killing me, but I am happy. Does this change anything with regards to the 'Seed? Of course it doesn't. (In fact, there were infractions tonight by management that I don't want to sully this entry with.) But it at least shows me that I can still do this work, when I am supported and not contradicted, and when I have the time and space to encourage my strengths.
So very much to think about. But first, some much earned rest. Good night.
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