The 12th House of Endings ...

I waited to write this. If I wrote it last night, I would have scared you.

Y'see ... I'm strongly considering stepping down, and leaving the shamanic program at the 'Seed.

I have run the gamut of emotions in the last 18 hours, from despair to resignation to anger to guilt to loneliness to probably a few I'm not even acknowledging.

It has long been established that management does not have my back. The longer it goes on, though, the more negative (both subtly and overtly) it is getting.

Add to this the fact that I have totally lost the clubhouse with regards to my team, one of whom openly contradicted me at every turn last night (and managed to use the wrong pronoun in front of a room full of 25 people) and I don't know if I've ever felt more lonely doing this work.

The ceremony itself was extremely lacking, despite the amazing attendance. The drumming journey went on far too long, 28 minutes, as the afore mentioned team member still used all four herbs per person despite the largeness of the crowd.  (That would be like one person trying to give full body reiki treatments on a night like that.)

Then, when we switched, the rattling was not up to it's usual standard (I'm being generous here) and after only ten minutes, I was getting looks of "Are you done yet?" as I was trying to create my three sigils. I ended up rushing number three, but somehow number one, IMAGINATION, came through amazingly. Like a cross between a ballet dancer and someone flying to the stars.

The talking bit at the end was just as contentious as at the beginning, more a sparring session than a safe space. After the ceremony, The Muse left almost immediately, after something bubbled up for her during the journey that almost triggered a panic attack (which I will feel terrible for if the awful vibe in the room contributed to) so I didn't even get to ground with her as we'd originally planned.

I packed up. I came home. I was shellshocked. I still am. This beautiful thing was given to me by Jason, and though the numbers would tell you otherwise, it is dying. And it's happening on my watch. Because the person above me doesn't support & protect me. Because the people next to me don't have my back. I know I have ceremonies booked through August, and I already was planning on not renewing past that, but now ... I don't even know how I'm going to face leading next month's Fire.

When I woke up this morning, there was something in my horoscope about the 12th House of Endings. I know all of this coming up is part of The Great Work, of course. But can I, should I, walk away? I may or may not be doing good for the people who come, but I know I'm doing harm to myself.

So much to think about.